I was in the bathtub, helpless to a steady stream of warm water cascading down my lady parts, while the most intoxicating buildup brought me to my first orgasm.Nothing in my hush-hush Catholic upbringing and innocent friend circle had prepared me for this earthshaking experience, equal parts pleasure and shame.It was an older clip, late '90s, but it was perfect. The Houston 500 stars the buxom blonde Houston, born Kimberly Halsom, taking on a reportedly 620 men in an uninterrupted frenzy hosted by Ron Jeremy. I’m sure many of my past lovers can attest to my insatiability, my unrealistic demands and my frustration if I was denied. When I met my husband, I encountered another kind of sexual experience. I now know that pleasure can be born out of emotional intimacy and love — two things I didn't see in my kind of porn, and two things I certainly wasn't getting during all those years I was so frantically self-pleasuring but haunted by self-loathing instead. I don’t want to convert anyone, and I definitely don’t consider masturbation to be wrong.The filming was done in a garage, showing men taking turns mounting and finishing while the ticker goes up and Houston makes history in what was considered the world’s biggest gang bang. They would probably recall my emotional distance, my lack of eye contact and my inability to orgasm unless I used my hand or vibrator. Without the familiar crutch of porn and fantasy, I began to feel more relaxed, more connected, more present. Many people can watch porn in moderate amounts, just like many people can enjoy a glass of wine without needing the whole bottle. And it’s certainly not my place to vilify porn stars or rescue them from a job they might actually enjoy.She is shown laughing a lot of the time, feigning ecstasy other times, and understandably exhausted toward the end. I watched the fluffers on their knees getting star-struck men ready for their big shining moment. I was too angry and sad to enjoy sex, but that’s not all. I was the one who needed rescuing — mostly from myself. Her essays have been published by Salon, Substance, Hello Giggles and The Manifest-Station.I watched condoms get pulled off just in time for these men to erupt all over Houston’s oversize silicon breasts. It became clear to me, as if a light switch had been turned on, what had happened over the course of my porn addiction. The videos I had been watching recently shared common themes. She is also a staff writer and travel curator at Luna Luna Mag.
Sexual activity can be consensual, which means that both or all participants agree to take part and are of the age that they can consent, or it may take place under force or duress, which is often called sexual assault or rape.
With the advent of chat rooms on AOL, I supplemented porn with cybersex and sometimes managed to find clips and videos online, which took hours to download. Others were uncomfortably real, such as forlorn Thai hookers and mistake-making drunk party girls. I prayed the “teen” porn stars were 18 like the disclaimers promised. Whether I was in a relationship or not, my bond with porn never waned. It didn’t matter if the stories I invented in my head were true.